Posted on by Liz

Hello

So far, you haven’t been in my dreams. But last night, I did dream of you. It was strange. My conscious mind somehow knew you were gone, but there you were, driving the car I was a passenger in. I don’t know where we were going or what I was doing in a car with you. But, we were having a conversation. We were talking about why you cut me out and if it was because of your drug use. I spoke to you like you were still doing it. For some reason, I told you that you needed to stop and you told me how your addiction began. You said that you were taking a different drug, not expecting it to be laced with heroin. It wasn’t something you sought out or even wanted to start in the first place. But once you had it once, you couldn’t stop. And then you were lost.

Dreams are such tricky business. I don’t think I’m psychic or that I was actually speaking with you last night. I’m sure it was just my own mind searching for answers, wishing I could have them for my own curiosity and closure. But I’d like to think my dream was right and that you didn’t want to do heroin and that you took it once by accident, mixed with a party drug or something. I’m not sure if that’s even possible, but it’s somehow preferable in my mind than believing you sought out a dangerous opioid while trying to self medicate your mental health.

When my dream ended, I don’t think we said goodbye. If we did, I don’t remember. That’s not really what I want though. I don’t want to say goodbye. I want to say hello. I haven’t said hello to you in such a long time. And I miss you so much.

Posted on by Liz

Lunch Thoughts

Remember in seventh grade when we would eat lunch in our English teacher’s classroom instead of the cafeteria? We were learning about irony so our teacher was always playing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette, which isn’t a good example of irony at all. I didn’t really understand that until much later.

That song came on the radio today while I was driving home from work. It’s not really a strange or rare occurrence. I hear that song occasionally while listening to that particular station, but I just happened to remember our middle school days together today. Such lovely days. If I knew how much adulting would completely suck, I would have never wanted to grow up. So much of our generation shares that sentiment and I’m not sure if it’s just something unique to us or if everyone feels like that.

Maybe it’s the internet. The internet has provided a way to share how you’re feeling with a lot of people and I think it’s a profoundly beautiful thing. No matter how you’re feeling, you can guarantee that if you search enough, you’ll find someone else somewhere in the world who feels just like you.

Growing up, I was always told that computers, technology, the internet, were all very isolating. My parents were always bitching at me to get off of the computer in order to socialize and be “a part of the world.” The funny thing is that I was a participating in the world. It just wasn’t the world that our parents’ generation understood so they felt left out and isolated.

Our lives are governed so much by fear these days. I would love to talk to you about this. If only I could have lunch one more time with you.

Posted on by Liz

Small

I have returned to obsessively watching Criminal Minds again. I love the first season. It has such unrealistic poetic justice. It’s great seeing the original cast in all of their original glory. The new seasons are so disappointing. Rewatching the old just reinforces how far the show has fallen. But here I am again, watching Mandy Patinkin take down an unsub by insulting the size of his penis. And I’ve never been prouder.

Here I am again, talking to you about my small life. I’ve always felt like my life was pretty small. I don’t know if I ever expressed this to you. I don’t think I have. Whenever you would talk about your life, my life seemed even smaller. That was okay; I’ve been content. I still am content.

The differences between us were so vast in a way. I was perfectly fine living my small life, with my small experiences, with my small mind. You wanted adventure and experiences. So, you moved to DC and became a stripper. We always talked about that future. I guess I always knew of your quiet desperation to escape. I was just young and ignorant and didn’t fully understand what you were running away from. Now I get it.

I’m sorry it took me so long.